(Or “Eat Your Own Heart Out, Rob Zombie”)

Halloween again. Time for the networks to regurgitate a bunch of old horror standards, from yesteryear.

Or for you to go out and rent them.

Before you do, I’d like you to stop and consider how some of those classics might play, now.

Modified. In the spirit of rebranding.

I’m talking about titles like:

The Wolf Man
Jared Lucan, abandoned in the wild at birth and raised by wolves, hacks a ruthless ascent to the head of his pack.
Returning to civilization as a zoologist, he leads his pack on a campaign of murder and mayhem in the big city, eliminating his peers, as he plots his course to the top of his new profession.

FrankenStoned
Undergrad medical students, experimenting with a new designer narcotic, administer the drug to cadavers in the med school morgue – with catastrophic, rejuvenating results.

Creatures From The Black Lagoon
A toxic spill from a secret military installation in the Everglades mutates the aquatic population of a lagoon, unleashing a deadly army of semi-humanoid amphibians.

The Hunger
In a near future where climate change and disastrous strains of GM crops lead to a worldwide and critical shortage of food, roving bands of cannibals vie for survival against the last knots of resistant humanity.

Anaconda
Cold-blooded. Cold-hearted. Her limbs and jaws possessing an awesome, crushing strength – the product of an advanced genetic splicing procedure. She is death to all she meets. And now, she’s in LA.

Piranha
They can shred a buffalo carcass to the bone in less time than it takes to recite the alphabet. Now, a demented marine biologist has bred a strain with near-human intelligence. And an inhuman desire to increase their numbers – by eliminating the dominant species on the planet.

Shocker
Twenty-five years after psycho killer Horace Pinker was electrocuted and ionized into the power distribution system, an overload at a hi-tech switching station digitises the monster, and sends him on a global killing spree – using all the resources of the World Wide Web.

Friday the 13th
It’s back to basics, as an ancient superstition is given added punch by the intervention of Satan himself.
Unlucky? Even staying in bed with your doors and windows barred may not be enough.

Jaws
The residents of a major city are terrorised by a vicious serial killer – a malevolent dentist who is assembling a trophy case of relics, ripped from his still-living victims. Their jaw bones.

Hallowe’en
Don’t open the door. Eat the candy yourself. Those aren’t kids, trick-or-treating out there.
The spirits of the dead are out and about. And they’ve come to reclaim this night, as their own.

And I’m sure you can think of others.

Have a Happy Hallowe’en.

And, hey. Let’s be careful, out there.

Peace.

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