See You Next Decade…

But first, let’s take a moment to reflect on all the great things that happened, in this one.

2000 – 2009, eh? Let’s see, there was….

Okay. That’s enough.

Let me take this opportunity to wish you all the best this festive season has to offer.

Till the 2010s, then.

Peace.

A Shameless Plug…

But one that might put a smile on your face.

Head on over to Powderburn Flash, and check out my story, “The Wrong Bags.”

It came about due to an amalgam of influences: the work of James Ellroy, that old Michelle Pfeiffer / Matthew Modine movie, “Married to the Mob”, and Mob-speak, in general.

Hope you get a kick out of it.

Peace.

Buzz, but No Sting.

If you see a buzzword, step on it. Quickly. Before it has a chance to breed.

Buzzwords are those (usually) invented words or phrases that have made their way into general use, from the language of business, administration, or technology. Supposedly, to describe legitimate processes, and real-life concepts. But…

Paradigm shifts. Synergy. Leveraging knowledge capital.

Adding value. WTF does that mean, exactly? Adding a couple more zeros on a price tag?

And how about “growing a business?” I know people who grow tomatoes in their back yard, for sale at the local market. Does that count? If so, what kind of fertilizer do you need to generate a bookmaking income? Horse manure, presumably.

Horse manure, indeed.

One day – and that day is coming, soon – the world will wake up to the threat. And the meaningless drivel that buzzwords represent. Humanity will once again be free.

Or not.

Until that shining day, I wish you an effective implementation of conflict management strategies, that yields high value outcomes, both for you, and your existing customer base.

Peace.

The Same. But Different.

It’s the mantra that’s drummed into the heads of every screenwriter who’s (supposedly) preparing a fresh take on an old idea.

And it’s especially important, if you’re doing a remake. Or a rebrand / relaunch of an existing franchise.

You have to give the audience what they expect from the brand – what they love, loathe, or fear. But you have to put a new spin on it, to re-engage their interest. And hopefully, pave the way for the new-old franchise to continue.

Not everyone succeeds in this.

I’m sure you can think of numerous examples (right, kids?) where your primary reaction is: “Why did they bother? The original was fine. Much better than this crap, anyway.”

Occasionally, though, someone gets it right.

Director J J Abrams, and the team that gave us “Star Trek,” for example.

I saw the film on DVD recently, and I’m currently picking my way through Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman’s screenplay (diligent screenwriter / eternal student that I am).

It’s all there. The cast of characters we know and love. The technology. The backdrop.

Same.

But it’s not played out exactly the way we remember.

Different.

They’ve achieved this by staying within the conventions of the science fiction genre: An alternate reality, where the same people exist, but their life situations have been altered.

And they’ve assembled a group of actors who are instantly recognizable as the people they’re supposed to be, in appearance and mannerisms. But there are no 1960s beehive hairdos in evidence. Modern-day vernacular. And inter-personal relationships that provide more than enough mileage for Star Trek 2, 3 and 4 (Or however many they choose to make). Where, presumably, we may get to see Klingons, the conman Harry Mudd, and those pesky Tribbles – in different circumstances, of course.

It works. It’s got a good beat, and you can dance to it.

Even if you’re not a devotee of the franchise, the film stands scrutiny as a good entertainment, in its own right.

Have a look at the trailer (or better yet, see the film), and judge for yourself.

Live long, and prosper.

Peace.

A2Z: Letters that Don’t Deliver

An acronym is a word formed from the initial letters of another set of words, which it represents. This might be a motto, or the name of an organisation.

In Nigeria, acronyms are what we have, instead of efficiency:

NNPC (Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation),

PHCN (Power Holding Company of Nigeria; formerly NEPA, or No Electric Power Again. Sorry, National Electric Power Authority),

EFCC (Economic and Financial Crimes Commission).

WTF. And I don’t mean World Trade Federation.

Big, important-sounding sets of initials, that act as a cover for big, important-sounding organisations. That do very little.

Still, the letters look nice, when they’re painted up on logos. And displayed on the side of the smart four-wheel drive vehicles they all seem to use.

Acronyms.

I’ve scoured the globe (virtually), to bring you some choice ones. Some are fun; some are just plain silly. Some actually refer to real organistions. I’ll let you decide which.

ATM: At The Moment / Automatic Teller Machine / Another Technical Mistake

BEKTTU: Be Excessively Kind To The Undersized [See also Save The Children]

CIO: Chief Information Officer / Cut It Out

DOS: Defunct Operating System / Denial Of Service

EIF: Exercise In Futility

FUBAR: F***ked / Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition / Repair

GSHIWMP: Giggling So Hard I Wet My Pants

HLVB: Hasta La Vista, Baby

ISDN: International Standard Book Number / It Still Does Nothing

JLA: Justice League of America / Junior Lifeguards Association

KIT: Keep In Touch

LOL: Laughing Out Loud

MBA: Masters of Business Administration / Mediocre But Arrogant

NMI: No Middle Initial

OBE: Order of the British Empire / Overtaken By Events

PUKE: Parents United against Krusty’s Evil [TV, The Simpson's]

QUANGO: QUasi Autonomous Non-Governmental Organisation

RHIP: Rank Has Its Privileges

SNAFU: Situation Normal All F***ked Up

TA: Target Acquisition / Teaching Assistant / Territorial Army

UFO: Unidentified Flying Object / United Farmers of Ontario

VSAT: Very Small Aperture Terminal

WTF: World Trade Federation [What The --?]

XYZ: eXamine Your Zipper

YABA: Yet Another Bloody Acronym

ZOPFAN: Zone Of Peace, Freedom, And Neutrality

GGN. [Gotta Go Now].

P.E.A.C.E.

 

A Bad Spell

So, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was taken to task by the mother of a serviceman killed in Afghanistan, over a poorly-spelled letter of condolence.

 

A heartfelt response, from the bereaved mother? Probably.

 

A gaffe, seized upon by a ravenous press, for political purposes? Perhaps.

 

What’s undoubtedly true is that poor grammar, spelling, or punctuation reflect badly on you. Whatever the circumstances.

 

And they’re avoidable.

 

Spell check.

That’s what dictionaries, thesauruses, and those little book icons on your word processor are for.

 

Proofread.                                                                                                                           Look for spelling mistakes you may have missed, poor grammar, and incorrect punctuation.

Get a printout, then proofread again.

You no it makes sense.

Sorry. Cents.

Peace.

What’s the Big Idea?

I don’t know, yet.

See, I’m trying to write a crime novel. And I’m generating story ideas, using the method I described in a previous post (“Lesson: Less”, remember? No? It’s right next to this one. And the link’s in the sidebar, there).

Only, the mission this time is not to bring in a story in as few words as possible. It’s to develop something that will sustain a full-length novel: plot, backstory, character development issues, and all.

Here’s some of what I’ve been able to come up with. So far.

The Prompt: solo wax therapy moose candle key

The Premise: A glamorous celebrity is found dead at an exclusive spa. All that’s found in the aroma therapy room with her body is a single candle, burning down to a nub, a blank key card, and the word “moose”, written in wax on a table.

The Prompt: naive west punt fog unconscious sceptical

The Premise: A small-time hustler, heavily indebted to a gambling syndicate, is found unconscious in a sealed room, at a poker table. All his fellow players are dead. Among them is the son of the syndicate boss.

To clear his slate, the hustler is sent west, on an apparent suicide mission, which may hold the key to the murder.

The Prompt: artificial journal identical sunscreen underwear

The Premise: While searching through the underwear drawer in her childhood bedroom, our heroine discovers a journal, written in her own hand. It must be fake, because it chronicles events in her past that never happened.

In the coming days, weeks, and months, she receives cryptic messages, mail, and meetings alluding to places she’s supposed to have been, and things she’s supposed to have done in the present – but has no memory of.

Is she losing her mind?

Or is there a doppelganger out there, living an alternate life?

A tanning parlor or sunscreen plays a key role in resolving the dilemma.

The Prompt: sarcastic passport nauseating

The Premise: Feeling nauseous on an international flight, our hero returns from the bathroom, to find his passport has been switched, to that of a known criminal / terrorist, who bears a startling resemblance. This is made clear to him by sarcastic and increasingly hostile immigration / security operatives at the airport, where he is detained, and subjected to intensive questioning about a criminal / terrorist act about to be committed in the city.

The Prompt: wish orange sunrise solicitor specialist

The Permise: The terms of a will are communicated to the beneficiaries by their lawyer. The vast estate will go to the one who murders [and provides documentary proof of this] the specialist who failed to save the deceased’s life.

Preferably in the most law-untraceable way possible – though the estate and its influence are vast enough to take care of legal fees, bribes, etc. Certainly between sunset on the day of the will [the reading] and sunrise, the next day.

I think this one might work better as a movie, but there you go.

Any thoughts, or comments?

In any event, the search continues.

Peace.

Lesson: Less

A picture’s worth a thousand words. And 1,000 words can mean several minutes out of your life – depending on how quickly you read.

In these days of soundbites, tweets, and Attention Deficit Disorder, it’s often necessary to get your point across, in considerably less. And still manage to paint an evocative picture. Especially when you’re writing fiction.

Here’s how I do it.

Spin The Wheel

1. Take a dictionary, and throw it across the room.

2. Pen and paper in hand, approach the dictionary, cautiously.

3. If it’s open, close your eyes and bring your finger down on the page. (If it fell shut, open it at random, then bring your finger down)

4. Open your eyes, and write down the first word you see.

5. Repeat the process, until you have at least 3 random words.

This being the 21st century, there’s software to do this virtually. Just Google “Random Idea Generators”, and you’ll get a fine list of sites and programs, for playing Dictionary Roulette.

The key is to get at least 3 random words, or phrases.

Think Outside The Box

These random selections will form the basis of your story. The trick is to bring them together, somehow. Chances are, they’re totally unrelated to each other, so you’re going to have to get creative.

If you’re a logical thinker, you’ll be needing to shake up your brain pan, a little. Or a lot.

Those of you who have come across my work on Twitter* will be familiar with the occasionally amusing, often bizarro alternative definitions I throw out there.

*And if you haven’t the link’s right there, in the side bar, for God’s sake.

These aren’t just a side-effect of the meds I’m taking. They’re a conscious effort on my part to think unconventionally. To look for words and phrases with several meanings. Or those that sound like something else.

It’s a way to set aside “common sense”, and start thinking laterally. And to link those random words, and tie them up in a tight little tale.

Go For It!

The roulette prompt: bowl conspiracy sweet

Thinks: “Conspiracy, hmm, some kind of criminal activity. What’s sweet? Hmm… sugar, I guess. Sugar bowl. But what about strikes and spares?”

Writes:

Something Rotten in The Sugar Bowl

by Des Nnochiri

“Bowling alley.”

“Yeah.” Mickey bobbed his head up and down, like a dashboard ornament.

“Can’t lose.”

“Uh-huh.” Mickey nodded again. “See, on league night, The Sugar Bowl is packed. And when the Hyper-Mall Maulers are in – like tonight – they always bring the week’s money, with them. Cash and checks. We’ll walk with, like, three, four hundred grand. Easy.”

I checked the action on my shotgun. Slid the back-up piece into my waistband.

“Well,” I said. “Let’s do this, if we’re gonna.”

We went in. Ski-masks on. Weapons held high. And stopped dead, to a chorus of clicks.

We were staring down the barrels of maybe 200 service revolvers, assorted Magnums, and 9-millimeter automatics.

“Did you check the timetable, Mickey?” I asked.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Well, check it on the way out,” I said. “I think we got the wrong night.”

　

For more in this vein (shameless plug), check out my growing collection of crime and noir short stories at A Twist of Noir. (The link’s in the sidebar for this, too)

And that’s it. I hope you’ve been taking notes, ’cause there’ll be a pop quiz, later. As in:

Pop quiz: Performance assessment, for staff of The Coca-Cola Company.

And, did you get the title of this post? Lesson: Less? As, in “Less and–?” No? I give up.

Have a better one.

Peace.

Rebranded New Horrors

(Or “Eat Your Own Heart Out, Rob Zombie”)

Halloween again. Time for the networks to regurgitate a bunch of old horror standards, from yesteryear.

Or for you to go out and rent them.

Before you do, I’d like you to stop and consider how some of those classics might play, now.

Modified. In the spirit of rebranding.

I’m talking about titles like:

The Wolf Man
Jared Lucan, abandoned in the wild at birth and raised by wolves, hacks a ruthless ascent to the head of his pack.
Returning to civilization as a zoologist, he leads his pack on a campaign of murder and mayhem in the big city, eliminating his peers, as he plots his course to the top of his new profession.

FrankenStoned
Undergrad medical students, experimenting with a new designer narcotic, administer the drug to cadavers in the med school morgue – with catastrophic, rejuvenating results.

Creatures From The Black Lagoon
A toxic spill from a secret military installation in the Everglades mutates the aquatic population of a lagoon, unleashing a deadly army of semi-humanoid amphibians.

The Hunger
In a near future where climate change and disastrous strains of GM crops lead to a worldwide and critical shortage of food, roving bands of cannibals vie for survival against the last knots of resistant humanity.

Anaconda
Cold-blooded. Cold-hearted. Her limbs and jaws possessing an awesome, crushing strength – the product of an advanced genetic splicing procedure. She is death to all she meets. And now, she’s in LA.

Piranha
They can shred a buffalo carcass to the bone in less time than it takes to recite the alphabet. Now, a demented marine biologist has bred a strain with near-human intelligence. And an inhuman desire to increase their numbers – by eliminating the dominant species on the planet.

Shocker
Twenty-five years after psycho killer Horace Pinker was electrocuted and ionized into the power distribution system, an overload at a hi-tech switching station digitises the monster, and sends him on a global killing spree – using all the resources of the World Wide Web.

Friday the 13th
It’s back to basics, as an ancient superstition is given added punch by the intervention of Satan himself.
Unlucky? Even staying in bed with your doors and windows barred may not be enough.

Jaws
The residents of a major city are terrorised by a vicious serial killer – a malevolent dentist who is assembling a trophy case of relics, ripped from his still-living victims. Their jaw bones.

Hallowe’en
Don’t open the door. Eat the candy yourself. Those aren’t kids, trick-or-treating out there.
The spirits of the dead are out and about. And they’ve come to reclaim this night, as their own.

And I’m sure you can think of others.

Have a Happy Hallowe’en.

And, hey. Let’s be careful, out there.

Peace.

Comedy of Terrors

Simple idea: take a well-known comedy, and turn it (somehow) into the premise for a horror movie.

The Three Stooges
A small town is terrorized by three mindless automatons – The Stujis (pronounced Stooges) – reanimated when an ancient totem is desecrated by student campers.

UnPleasantville
Twin teens – super-vamp sis and dorky bro – undergo a terrifying ordeal after being sucked into the parallel world of a 1950s social documentary, from whose drudgery and straitjacket morality there seems no escape.

Get Smart
A race against time, as a mad scientist’s latest scheme – a satellite transmission that causes brain cells to super-accelerate, then explode – gives Intelligence Community a whole new meaning.

The Nanny
Parents beware: This babe makes that chick from “The Hand That Rocks The Cradle” look like Snow White.

Stripes
A boot camp in rural Florida is savaged by a deadly virus that causes victims to dissolve, in a vertical stripe pattern.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
1955. Private eye Eddie Valiant is called back to LA, to investigate the murder of an old friend. And to stop a serial killer who’s targeting the biggest names in Toontown – and leaving their mutilated corpses pressed between glass sheets, as a sinister calling card.

Ruthless People
A chemical spill turns a factory town into a torture den, as toxic substances in the water supply unleash the darkest inhibitions of the local populace.

The 40-Year Old Virgin
A demonic force targets the sexually active population of a major city. The only hope of stopping it lies with a disillusioned Catholic priest, the last of a secret brotherhood, charged with destroying the monster.

27 Dresses
Each one cursed, by the spirit of the malevolent seamstress who made them, over 100 years ago. Each one sold, to a prospective bride, from a wealthy and powerful family. But, what’s the connection?

There’s Something About Mary
There surely is. And it may have something to do with the collection of human body parts, in her basement.

The Devil Wears Prada
Yes, she does. And she won’t rest, until the Final Day – when everyone else does, too.

Space Jam
Hot on the heels (so to speak) of “The Stuff,” a gelatinous life-form from outer space takes over the supply line of a major distributor of strawberry preserves – with deadly consequences.

Semi-Pro
Small-town librarian by day; serial-killing hooker by night. Will her deadly double life be exposed?

My Cousin Vinny
A look back on the life and career of the notorious mass-murderer – from the perspective of those who knew him best.

Joanie Loves Chacchi
Problem is, Joanie’s dead. Been that way for 6 years. And poor Chach (and a succession of mutilated girlfriends) can never forget why.

Married… With Children
Aaaaah!! Just kidding.

Just Shoot Me
A talk-show host is abducted and held in a sealed room, where he is forced to endure round-the-clock viewings of The Price Is Right.

Everybody Loves Raymond
Women. Men. Cats. Dogs. Alligators.
When a jilted girlfriend speaks an ancient curse, poor Ray finds himself sexually attractive to anything that has a pulse – with tragic consequences.

That’s all for now. The Witching Hour is imminent, and Halloween’s a few days away.

Peace.